I seriously don't know what I'm going to do. I'm an over scheduled person who just wants to be lazy. I have the worst time figuring out food for my family and exercise may as well be trigonometry....impossible.
I used to eat and sleep as much as I wanted. That simple routine worked wonders for my figure until I turned 30. 30 is like an evil spell that steals your metabolism, gives you lines in your forehead and neck, & doubles your number of chin hairs. What the HECK! The worst is the lack of metabolism. Having been in my 30's for 2 1/2 years, I have added 35 pounds to my once curve-less figure. I can't decide how I feel about it, besides confused, and I definitely don't know what to do about it.
I'm still in the "healthy range" for my height but the line that divides healthy from unhealthy is a little too close for comfort. I'm afraid that I'm on a slippery slope and that laziness will keep me from digging in my heels and climbing back up.
Dad has told me over and over again, "Hang on and keep climbing." The problem right now is just being brave enough to start the climb.
If I'm not especially good at something, I don't like to do it....it's a weakness. That weakness is the main reason why I wasn't a school athlete (I quit softball once and track twice). So, in keeping with tradition, whatever exercise or active activity I need to take on comes with some fear.
About 4 years ago I thought I would do a 5K. I went "running" once.
ugghhhhh....running....I'm so bad at it. It seems like the thing to do, from what I see you all doing on social media. I just can't wrap my brain around it. Listening to music while running seems like it would be helpful, but I'm afraid that taking away my sense of hearing the outside world could get me run over or abducted. Abducted...that creeps me out....I don't want to go running.
The YMCA. I need to go there and put my kids in child watch while I do the elliptical or whatever. Here's the thing....Every time I start up with it, it doesn't last past 1 work out....Maybe more if someone is meeting me there. I'm always super proud after I've exercised and I promise I will do it again and again...but I don't....and I fail. Ugghhh.
So, I need to make a plan, right? Make a calendar for this week with Y time scheduled in. My personality type loves making lists and not doing them.
Wow, look at me with my plan and calendar and list! Wow, look at me, such a rebel-playing on my phone and giving the list dirty looks. MY LIFE!
I'm unhappy with my body. Even though I'm in the "healthy zone" I KNOW I am not healthy. I'm tired. One Just Dance song takes like 15 minutes of recovery.
I don't like it that my wedding ring feels too tight.
Although what people think shouldn't matter, I worry about everyone's thoughts when they see me. Their first thought has to be "Wow, Rachel is putting on weight!" or "She still hasn't lost that weight she put on?!" or....I don't know what.
TRUTH IS.... it wasn't just the dirty thirty that put on the pounds. The last two years for me carried some big emotional baggage. I didn't know how to handle new stress and felt like a failure in a lot of ways. As I mentioned earlier, feeling like I'm not good at something does not make me happy. This time, though, I couldn't escape like I did with school sports. I had to stick it out and realize that I'm not perfect and I really suck at life sometimes. I dealt with these awful feelings in self destructive ways. Too much time on the couch. Too much shopping. Too much time online comparing myself to other people. Too much time being bitter. Too much ice cream. Too much pop. Too much alcohol. It's easy to feel better about sucking at life when you can just put the kids to bed, have a big glass of wine and crash. But, the next morning, the suckiness is still there and a lot of calories have just spent the night turning into sadness and fat.
There was a lot of happiness through that time...my family is amazing. Chris and the kids are like warm sunshine....but I can't deny reality.
I'm happier now and I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone. You know...take risks and all that. Simplifying life and focusing on the joy that is right in front of my face everyday....warm sunshine.
I just need to get healthy. But I don't want to fail again.
So, no promises of work out plans or challenges or diets. Those are all things that could be dropped...quit...left.
I think I will just pursue more life. I'm not exactly sure what all that means. ..it's like a goal that can't be measured...which seems like cheating...but it's what I have right now. Pursing more life.
Did I mention how much I like sugar? I love sugar.
As always, I hope and pray that seeing into my real life is helpful to someone. Fakeness is cheap and unfair. Let's not try to impress eachother...let's just share this crazy life.